a series of bitter feelings

I have come to the point where I begin to hate myself. For couple of times I’ve made big fuck-ups, to myself, to God, and worse, to people around me. I keep making choices I regret later, only leaving me tearful without being able to change anything in the end. I repeatedly say bad things, only making people who actually care about me hurt, especially my family. I said I’m a believer but I keep forgetting to be thankful to Him, for all I have are truly His gifts. I’ve made a promise to myself that I’ll try to be better. But promises, even just to myself, are in fact just empty words. I’ve tried, but apparently haven’t tried hard enough. I’ve prayed, but apparently haven’t prayed sincere enough. I tend to keep making mistakes and fucking things up I’m starting to believe there’s something seriously wrong with me.

Well, yes, there actually is. Here’s the effing deal. I’ve been living in vain. I’ve been caught up too much in my problems I keep forgetting God exists. I’m not thankful enough of the life I’m living. I take things for granted. I am ignorant. I spend a lot and justify that action. I snap out a lot and make hurtful and sarcastic comments. I have offended people and hurt their feelings. I am good-for-nothing.

All that… is the proof that I have led such a mundane life. The most terrifying part of it all is that I actually do all things involuntarily, unintentionally, without being aware. And the aftermath always leaves a series of bitter feelings in my chests.