ephemeral

[adj.] —
lasting for a very short time.

The word ephemeral sounds really pretty, doesn’t it? Ephemeral is my second most favourite word. (The number-one favourite word will come out as the 8th post of A Hundred Words project. Probably.)

I fell in love with this word when I watched the 8th episode of my all-time favourite anime, Durarara!! (2010). The episode’s title was called Nankanoyume (南柯之夢), meaning Ephemeral Dream. It is one of the most beautiful phrases I’ve ever heard in my entire life.

I have a very keen affection towards fictional literature. My first encounter with literary works happened when I was 11 years old or so. I found a local classic mystery novel entitled “The Mystery of the Haunted Ship and the Poisonous Blowpipe” (translated) in my grade school’s library. An absurd title, but the story was adventurous and engrossing for me at the time. After that, my literary experience went on building up. I started buying novels, at first mostly fantasy, sci-fi, adventure, and romance (JK Rowling, Rick Riordan, Dee, Suzanne Colin, Veronica Roth, John Green) but as I grew up my genre preference got more serious topic to deal with (Dan Brown, Stephen King, Haruki Murakami). In my teenage years, these novels influenced me in many ways. I often kind of made up stories in my mind: creating my own universe, coming up with a bunch of unique characters, and adventurous story lines (pretty often romantic too).

These stories were often to come up as a vivid dream. They appeared so good and so real it lingered for long period after I woke up. Normally, when we woke up from sleep, the everyday memories would be flooding our neural circuits in our brain. But these dreams are different, they were so clear almost like it was there in my brain all along and imprinted permanently. I managed to record several of them in a form of writings, like these following posts:

The writings might not be depicting the feeling perfectly due to my raw and primitive writing skill. But these stories were crystal when they were dreams. Sadly all these dreams only lasted for a very short time. They were ephemeral. Now I am in my 20s. Beautiful vivid dreams comes far less frequent. I’m pretty sure I’ve had that kind of dreams every now and then. But the everyday mundane memories are just merciless. They don’t leave any room for blissful dreams once my senses come to reality every morning. Dreams are indeed ephemeral, like every other thing in this world: shooting stars and every wishes ever said, lit-up sparklers and the joyous feelings they bring, life, and everything.

P.S. I have one vivid dream that I haven’t put in a writing form. It was a breathtaking dream. I’m not telling the story in this post because it will be more suitable for the future A Hundred Words project called “celestial”.

(3/100)

delirium

[noun] ー
an acutely disturbed state of mind results in confusion and disorientation.

I suffer from fever quite a lot, mostly due to exhaustion, acute upper respiratory infection, or even simply mental stress. Like today, for example. I pushed myself too far in running yesterday and I went to bed as late as 2:20 in the morning.

When we have a fever, our body feels weak, lethargic, sluggish. Our breathing gets deeper and more rapid, that’s because our body tries to release heat. We get so thirsty because the evaporation gets more intense which results in dehydration. Not to mention, the muscles and joints pain. But for me personally, the most significant change when I have a fever is the cloudy mind. I can’t describe the feeling perfectly, but in general it feels like I’m trapped in the middle of this white suspension of an in-between gas and fluid. It’s not exactly called a state of delirium, but it definitely causes mental confusion. Unfortunately, it’s not the worst thing that can happen in fever.

The most unpleasant thing would be the vivid dreams. It’s not that kind of blissful dream. In contrary, the vivid dreams that appear in our feverish sleeps are nightmares. The nightmares vary from time to time and differ from one person to the others. I have two most frequent nightmare scenarios: 1) I am stuck or trapped in this endless net/web of black sticky strings with endlessly white dimension as a background. What frightens me is that the more I struggle, the more I feel suffocated. And 2) There is some kind of deranged and huge black creature that chases me through, again, an endlessly white dimension. The creature is actually more of an entity made of pitch black shadow trying to engulf me in it rather than a solid thing. The problem with dealing with vivid dreams is, of course, now matter how aware we are of the dreams, you can not just decide to get out of it. Is it not frightening to be trapped in your dreamscapes? Feeling like inception, isn’t it?

What does actually cause these terrible nightmares when we have fever? This explanation will be quite medical. Fever is caused by substance called Pyrogens. Pyrogens can be originated from outside our body (exogenous, e.g. from bacteria) or produced by our own body (endogenous, e.g. interleukins). These pyrogens mess up our central body temperature controller up there inside our brain, making our body thinks that the temperature around us is way much colder then it actually is. Beside messing up the temperature controller, the pyrogens also make our brain lose control of the limbic system. This part of brain controls human emotion. When we sleep, dream occurs in the very first stage of sleep called Rapid Eye Movement (REM) stage. In this stage, normally the limbic system generates previously (yet subconsciously) determined dreams. But during fever, the brain loses control the limbic system and causes it to fall into a hyperactivity state which makes it no longer be able to control dreams smoothly like it’s supposed to. Therefore, vivid and scary dreams occur.

(2/100)

a matter of honesty

I say, people are hypocrites. People say they’d rather know the truth even if it hurts than being lied to. Well you know what I’m thinking? That’s the biggest bullshit in the history of mankind. People always say cliche things like I should always be honest with them they’re not gonna hate me for it. But believe me, no matter how nice and sweet I put my words together, you don’t want to hear honesty coming me. When I’m being honest, they always end up saying “You’re the meanest person I know” or “How could you say that to me” or “I hope someday you feel what I’m feeling right now”, and then they end up hating me, and then they tell other people how horrible I am as a person, and so on, and so on, the list of perpetual hates will go on until at one point (if they’re strong enough or they have guts) they will end up bullying me. (if they’re cowards they usually just keep on hating me in secret or badmouthing me behind my back)

So when you say you prefer:
1) knowing the real truth no matter how much it hurts,
to:
2) being lied to and pretend that everything’s fine,
you don’t know shit about what you’re saying. Believe me you’re gonna wish you chose the second option the moment you’re being told an honesty. People actually love being lied to as long as it keeps them happy. Don’t fuck around with me using your cliche “prefer a hurtful truth” shit. It may break you you’ll never recover.

flicker

[verb] ー
(of light or a source of light) unsteadily shine.

I like sitting on the balcony of the house I’ve lived in for the past 16 years. In a clear night, I can always see lights of the houses and building so far away on the hills stretched from north to south, at the east horizon. Looking north, I also see the far cityscape. Those flickering lights look peaceful and somehow give warm and fuzzy feelings in my chest.

It hit me that I love the word flicker. Not only flicker, though. I find several others, words, that I find uniquely attractive to me in an indescribable manner. That’s when I decided to start this… From this point onward, I will be posting those words along with stories behind them. I currently have target of a hundred words for this project to finish. Wish me luck.

(1/100)

life round here

Most of times, the life I’m leading on right now feels too overwhelming. It feels like something that I bid too high but can’t afford to pay. Sometimes, I have this strong urge to leave my life completely behind; my house, my family, my eduction, and just go somewhere else where no one knows me. I want to be entirely myself but also entirely new self. In other words, that new-self me will be me just being myself entirely. I want my happiness to not be defined by how much I possess or how fancy my job is. I want that new-self to feel enough with simple life and be endlessly thankful to what I am and what I have. That’s how I want my happiness to be defined by. The new me will have so many possibilities: I’ll probably travel a lot, meet a lot of people, be nice to strangers, help people, read a lot of books, have fun with kids, BE A COOK! (like my mother), have a ramen shop, et cetera. I want that despite no matter how silly, unpromising, my days I’ll be facing, I still feel enough, thankful, and happy of everything by the end of the day.

Sometimes I just want to leave, and do all that.

December, please.

December,
the sun still shines bright in the sky;
clouds aren’t strong enough to darken the day;
rain comes late, it doesn’t pour hard enough;
the air is way far from being bone-chilling;
life runs too fast;
body is a train-wreck;
mind is muddy.
December ain’t what it used to be,
and it’s breaking my heart.
This can’t fucking go on.
Please.

do we know ourselves, at all?

Recently I just finished reading Haruki Murakami’s “Sputnik Sweetheart”. There is this one paragraph in the beginning of Chapter 5 that caught my attention the most.

Given the chance, [people] are surprisingly frank when they talk about themselves. “I’m honest and open to a ridiculous degree,” they’ll say, or “I’m thin-skinned and not the type who gets along easily in the world,” or “I’m very good at sensing others’ true feelings.” But any number of times I’ve seen people who say they’re easily hurt or hurt other people for no apparent reason. Self-styled honest and open people, without realizing what they’re doing, blithely use some self-serving excuse to get what they want. And those who are “good at sensing others’ true feelings” are taken in by the most transparent flattery. It’s enough to make me ask the question: how well do we really know ourselves?

Most of people tend to do those kinds of things. They can be surprisingly confident about themselves when sometimes they do something entirely opposite of what they say about themselves. I’m starting to doubt myself whether I do these kinds of things unconsciously, too. Am I one of those people? Do I know myself, at all?

a series of bitter feelings

I have come to the point where I begin to hate myself. For couple of times I’ve made big fuck-ups, to myself, to God, and worse, to people around me. I keep making choices I regret later, only leaving me tearful without being able to change anything in the end. I repeatedly say bad things, only making people who actually care about me hurt, especially my family. I said I’m a believer but I keep forgetting to be thankful to Him, for all I have are truly His gifts. I’ve made a promise to myself that I’ll try to be better. But promises, even just to myself, are in fact just empty words. I’ve tried, but apparently haven’t tried hard enough. I’ve prayed, but apparently haven’t prayed sincere enough. I tend to keep making mistakes and fucking things up I’m starting to believe there’s something seriously wrong with me.

Well, yes, there actually is. Here’s the effing deal. I’ve been living in vain. I’ve been caught up too much in my problems I keep forgetting God exists. I’m not thankful enough of the life I’m living. I take things for granted. I am ignorant. I spend a lot and justify that action. I snap out a lot and make hurtful and sarcastic comments. I have offended people and hurt their feelings. I am good-for-nothing.

All that… is the proof that I have led such a mundane life. The most terrifying part of it all is that I actually do all things involuntarily, unintentionally, without being aware. And the aftermath always leaves a series of bitter feelings in my chests.

twentythree

what does it mean to get older? what does it mean to have your life actually be depleted? twenty three years of living and i still don’t have the answers. to live, for me, is a journey without a map. no one and nothing tell us what to do. we find your own clues to keep on going at it. we can be really quick or very slow at collecting it, but that doesn’t matter. in the end is how we evolve, how we learn.

the journey i’ve been doing from my twenty-second year of life until this day is reasonably overwhelming. i have certainly done more things than i did in the previous twenty two years cumulated. and i have certainly been through downfalls a lot more than i had been and been forced to get up real quick. my twenty-second was an undeniably emotion-wrecking one. it felt so good and terrifying at the same time. i can only hope a lot of better things will happen for my twenty-third.

so, what does it mean to get older? what does it mean to have your life actually be depleted? i have no idea about any of those thing. i don’t want to rush. i want every second worths my lifespan and i want every second means the world. i’ll get the answer eventually.

it certainly feels scary, getting old.

Nagi ends.

Fall and Winter are the seasons that I name “Nagi” (the Calm). These two seasons that span from September 23rd to March 20th are times when chills, dark clouds, rains, and coldness can soothe me to my core. And I am very sad to say that Winter is finally over. Spring comes. Winter anime season have also come to an end. Fourteen anime from both winter shows and Fall 2013 left-overs have all ended. Let me do a recap for these beautiful animations that make me smile for these past 6 months.

Fall 2013 left-overs…

vlcsnap-2014-03-31-16h51m39s156Nagi no Asukara. This beautiful and calming anime is the best among  Fall 2013 anime (probably tied with Kyoukai no Kanata). The graphics and sceneries are so amazing. On top of it all, the OP and ED themes that are sung by Ray and yanaginagi made this anime perfect!

vlcsnap-2014-03-31-16h57m04s76Kuroko no Basuke (Season 2). Right after Shingeki no Kyojin that aired in Spring and Summer of 2013, Production I.G continued airing another amazing anime adapted from great shounen manga. Even though they didn’t announce a sequel right away like they did in Season 1, I’m quite sure they’re gonna make a third season in the future. For six whole months (twleve, if SnK is also included), my Sundays were full of adrenaline rush. Let’s see what Production I.G will bring this Spring. Bring it on. I’m ready!

vlcsnap-2014-03-31-16h57m36s149Magi: The Kingdom of Magic. The second season of Magi. This season focused mainly on Magnoshtatt, so the amazing characters from season one only appeared very little. I am hoping they are making season 3!

vlcsnap-2014-03-31-16h53m53s201Golden Time. A little bit of romance and slice -of -life is good.

vlcsnap-2014-03-31-17h08m25s232Tokyo Ravens. A CLIFF-HANGER ENDING! I have a feeling that Season 2 is coming. But, I’m not really sure since there are only several volumes (from the light nove) left unadapted. If a second season is happening, it will take a while.

vlcsnap-2014-03-31-16h58m30s164Log Horizon. An MMORPG anime in which a lot of people trapped inside a game, but unlike Sword Art Online, this anime didn’t give a damn about explaining the players’ condition in real life. I mean, come on. Anyway, they announced a second season to be airing this Fall.

from Winter 2014…

vlcsnap-2014-03-31-17h02m53s229Noragami. PLEASE MAKE SEASON 2! This anime is perfect! The best of Winter 2014.

vlcsnap-2014-03-31-17h04m25s183Hamatora. Also with a cliff-hanger ending, but they announced Season 2 at the end of finale. This anime kind of reminds me of Durarara!!

vlcsnap-2014-03-31-17h05m23s204Chuunibyou! Ren. I can’t help but think that this was too “harem”, but… for the past 2 years, it’s been a nice series. Third season is not likely.

vlcsnap-2014-03-31-17h07m37s252Gin no Saji Season 2. From the author of Fullmetal Alchemist, Gin no Saji is one of the best slice of life manga and anime adaptation I’ve ever seen. Tying with Noragami, THIS IS THE BEST ANIME OF WINTER 2014. I was head over heals when they announced a second season at the end of Season 1 finale in Summer of 2013. But they are most likely not making a third season adaptation. BUT MY FINGERS WILL ALWAYS CROSS FOR GIN NO SAJI!

and also…

Tonari no Seki-kun
Benmanshi Cecil
Toaru Hikuushi e no Koiuta
Onee-chan ga Kita!
Nourin

It’s very difficult to move on to these beautiful anime. But I hope Spring of 2014 shows will make me happier.