a series of bitter feelings

I have come to the point where I begin to hate myself. For couple of times I’ve made big fuck-ups, to myself, to God, and worse, to people around me. I keep making choices I regret later, only leaving me tearful without being able to change anything in the end. I repeatedly say bad things, only making people who actually care about me hurt, especially my family. I said I’m a believer but I keep forgetting to be thankful to Him, for all I have are truly His gifts. I’ve made a promise to myself that I’ll try to be better. But promises, even just to myself, are in fact just empty words. I’ve tried, but apparently haven’t tried hard enough. I’ve prayed, but apparently haven’t prayed sincere enough. I tend to keep making mistakes and fucking things up I’m starting to believe there’s something seriously wrong with me.

Well, yes, there actually is. Here’s the effing deal. I’ve been living in vain. I’ve been caught up too much in my problems I keep forgetting God exists. I’m not thankful enough of the life I’m living. I take things for granted. I am ignorant. I spend a lot and justify that action. I snap out a lot and make hurtful and sarcastic comments. I have offended people and hurt their feelings. I am good-for-nothing.

All that… is the proof that I have led such a mundane life. The most terrifying part of it all is that I actually do all things involuntarily, unintentionally, without being aware. And the aftermath always leaves a series of bitter feelings in my chests.

there’s no end to it.

“I know I’m a little different from everyone else, but I’m still a human being. That’s what I’d like you to realize. I’m just a regular person, not some monster. I feel the same things everyone else does, act the same way. Sometimes, though, that small difference feels like an abyss. But I guess there’s not much I can do about it. I’ve experienced all kinds of discrimination. Only people who’ve been discriminated against can really know how much it hurts. Each person feels the pain in his own way, each has his own scars. So I think I’m as concerned about fairness and justice as anybody. But what disgusts me even more are people who have no imagination. The kind T. S. Eliot calls hollow men. People who fill up that lack of imagination with heartless bits of straw, not even aware of what they’re doing. Callous people who throw a lot of empty words at you, trying to force you to do what you don’t want to. Gays, lesbians, straights, feminists, fascist pigs, communists, Hare Krishnas—none of them bother me. I don’t care what banner they raise. But what I can’t stand are hollow people. When I’m with them I just can’t bear it, and wind up saying things I shouldn’t. I can’t control myself. That’s one of my weak points. Do you know why that’s a weak point of mine? ‘Cause if you take every single person who lacks much imagination seriously, there’s no end to it.”

Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore (2002)

Big, Blue, and Beautiful

florence welch

After four years of waiting, Florence + The Machine’s new album is finally here! I first heard about Florence + The Machine’s third album was when Florence confirmed her ongoing work of the new album last year. The instance they released “What Kind of Man” as the lead single and made the new album, How Big, How Blue, How Beautiful, available for pre-order on iTunes, I was wonderstruck and left wordless about the highly anticipated album. The first thing that came to mind when I read the album title was: Sky, for it is endlessly big, very blue, and undoubtedly beautiful. Or, it could also be about Earth. And Florence said it indeed was inspired by the Los Angeles sky.  Continue reading “Big, Blue, and Beautiful”

a world that isn’t here.

“I’m walking alone in the forest—not the thick, ominous forest that Hansel and Gretel got lost in, but more of a brightish, lightweight sort of forest. It’s a nice, warm afternoon, and I’m walking along without a care in the world. So then, up ahead, I see this little house. It’s got a chimney and a little porch, and gingham-check curtains in the windows. It’s friendly looking. I knock on the door and say, ‘Hello.’ There’s no answer. I try knocking again a little harder and the door opens by itself. It wasn’t completely closed, you see. I walk in yelling, ‘Hello! Is anybody home? I’m coming in!’

“It’s just a one-room cottage. Very simply built. It has a little kitchen, beds, and a dining area. There’s a woodstove in the middle, and dinner for four has been neatly set out on the table. Steam is rising from the dishes. But there’s nobody inside. It’s as if they were all set to start eating when something strange happened—like, a monster showed up or something, and everybody ran out. But the chairs are not in disarray. Everything is peaceful and almost strangely ordinary. There just aren’t any people there.

“So anyhow, I sit in one of the chairs and wait for the family that lives there to come back. That’s what I’m supposed to do: just wait for them to come home. I don’t know why I’m supposed to. I mean, it’s a dream, so not everything is clearly explained. Maybe I want them to tell me the way home, or maybe I have to get something: that kind of thing. So I’m just sitting there, waiting for them to come home, but no matter how long I wait, nobody comes. The meal is still steaming. I look at the hot food and get tremendously hungry. But just because I’m starved, I have no right to touch the food on the table without them there. It would be natural to think that, don’t you think?

“But soon the sun goes down. The cottage grows dark inside. The surrounding forest gets deeper and deeper. I want to turn the light on, but I don’t know how. I start to feel uneasy. Then at some point I realize something strange: the amount of steam rising from the food hasn’t decreased at all. Hours have gone by, but it’s still nice and hot. Then I start to think that something odd is going on. Something is wrong. That’s where the dream ends.

“Would you like to know what the scariest part of the dream is? It’s that I might be the monster. The possibility struck me once. Wasn’t it because they had seen me approaching that the people had abandoned their dinner and run out of the house? And as long as I stayed there, they couldn’t come back. In spite of that, I had to keep sitting in the cottage, waiting for them to come home. The thought of that is what scares me so much.

—”1q84″ 1:24

2014 in albums

2014 in album

BEYONCÉ by Beyoncé (2013)
This majestic album can be my favorite forever. There is nothing I hate from this album. From December last year to December this year, I can’t stop liking this album.

Hydra by Within Temptation (2014)
Finally with this album, WT is back to their original sound only fresher than ever. Honestly I don’t enjoy The Unforgiving (2011) that’s why this album is such a good relief.

If You Wait by London Grammar (2013)
I’ve got a new favorite band and they happen to be from the UK again. It’s London Grammar. I define this band sound mostly between electronic ad trip-hop. Hannah Reid’s vocal is very strong and sometimes eerie too. As a debut album If You Wait is a strong record that surely gives out a good impression. This album was a playlist to my Hong Kong trip on winter earlier this year.

Raising Sand by Robert Plant and Allison Krauss (2007)
At the 2009 Grammy Awards, people rooted for Coldplay’s “Viva La Vida or Death and All His Friends” to win Album of the Year. But, the unexpected happened. Robert Plant and Allison Krauss won instead with their collaborative album “Raising Sand”. I know this duo don’t get an internationally major recognition, but listen carefully to this album. You’d understand how magic happened when Led Zeppelin’s frontman and the most Grammy-winning female artist joined forces producing music and it’s classic!

A Perfect Contradiction by Paloma Faith (2014)
Paloma Faith invited Pharrell, the last year coolest producer, to produce her 3rd album. It’s an amazing R&B/Soul album.

New Eyes by Clean Bandit (2014)
Clean Bandit is this UK amazing new act of 2014. They produce the hippest electronic music this year by combining it with cello and violin. Have you seen the “Rather Be” music video yet? It’s beautiful! It’s a number one single in UK, also one of the Billboard’s best songs in 2014. From the whole album I adore the track “Extraordinary (feat. Sharna Bass)”.

Ghost Stories by Coldplay (2014)
Coldplay like doing experimental projects. This year they decided to produce downtempo and melancholic sound and that’s Ghost Stories all about. There’s this phenomenal “Sky Full Of Stars” produced by Avicii and sounds euphorically different than anything Coldplay ever made.

x by Ed Sheeran (2014)
There’s nothing to unlike from this adorable guy! I’m not at the point where I can sing a long to all of the tracks in this album. I love this album fairly and I think he deserves a nomination in Grammy’s Album of the Year.

I Never Learn by Lykke Li (2014)
3 years since the sophomore album “Wounded Rhyme” in 2011 which is painfully perfect, overwhelming, and deeply wintery album. “I Never Learn” sounds exactly like a sequel tragedy to “Wounded Rhymes” but it sounds more autumnal than wintery. In this album Li still sounds amazing and contains an immense power. “I Never Learn” is named as one of 10 best albums in 2014 by Billboard.

1000 Forms of Fear by Sia (2014)
Sia has been actually existing since early 2000s but it’s a shame people only start recognizing her when David Guetta’s Titanium became hits. 1000 Forms of Fear marks her 5th major release. According to her it was only an experimental project
she started but it turns out to get exceptional receptions. I adore Sia’s incomparable songwriting skill. “Chandelier” has been named as the Best Song in 2014 by Billboard. I’m rooting for it to win 2015 Grammy’s Song of the Year.

Lights Out by Ingrid Michaelson (2014)
The unspeakably epic album “Human Again” still lingered when this album came out. “Human Again” is that kind of sentimental pop record that you’d like to hear in the morning, but “Lights Out” is happier, stronger, powerful record that is more suitable for autumn or nighttime.

Gypsy Heart Side A EP by Colbie Caillat (2014)
When I first heard this EP, I was so surprised that Colbie changed her genre. Still pop, but from the before beach acoustic pop music into more synthesized and R&B-ish music. But I gotta hand it to her, it works. Now she sounds fresher than ever!

Oz by Missy Higgins (2014)
“Oz” is the kind of project I adore. Missy Higgins curated songs from Australia’s notable artists and covered them in one album. Hence, the title is Oz. It’s all Australia. Besides an album, Higgins also wrote a book with the same name containing 14 stories in which the first word of every story begins with the first word from the respective track. It’s a shame, I haven’t read the book.

TRXYE EP by Troye Sivan (2014)
Since the rise of New Zealand sweetheart, Lorde, NZ talented musicians are starting to get more recognition. Troye Sivan is one  of them. Troye is originally a Youtube performer and release his first musical production, an EP called TRXYE. The EP contains 5 amazing tracks that give that feeling of a suburban kid doing somethinh amazing. Troye Sivan is a very promising new act, no kidding.

Little Machines by Lights (2014)
It’s kinda tricky saying about this album. Because her sophomore album gave a bigger impact than this one.

BLUE by iamamiwhoami (2014)
this multimedia project called iamamiwhoami never cease to amaze me. distinctly different from the previous project “kin” (2013), from january to october 2014 they release 5 singles along with the music video. and finally in november the album was released followed by 5 remaining music videos.

Prism by Katy Perry (2013)
I was one year late when I first thoroughly listen to this album. One, because I was preoccupied by Gaga’s artpop last year and two, I was so skeptical with this album. But I was wrong. Katy Perry has done a great job making this album.

1989 by Taylor Swift (2014)
One of the trendiest topics discussed this year is Princess T.S.’s shocking decision to change genre from Country to Pop. A lot of people are skeptical and sending more hate to here. But I still believe in her. And look at how 1989 is doing. The biggest first week sale since Eminem’s 2002 “The Eminem Show.” Also the biggest sale in 2014.

The Hunger Games: Mockingjay, Pt. 1 Original Motion Picture Soundtrack by Various Artists (2014)
I must say this soundtrack album is euphoric and beyond amazing. It sounds completely different like the two previous soundtracks which contains music from alternative-rock liners and several country and pop. This album is full of alternative-electronic sounds. It only happens when the 18 y.o. (no really, she’s actually 318 y.o.) Ella Yelich-O’Connor, as the sole curator of the Mockingjay Pt. 1 Soundtrack, works her magic. Listening to this album is like having a little taste of what Lorde’s most personal-magical playlists be like. I mean, she personally picked the musicians who got to fill in the playlists of these fourteen incredible tracks! and I think London Grammar could’ve been fit perfectly in it.

SHADYXV by Various Artists (2014)
Celebrating the 15th anniversary of Eminem’s record label, Shady Records, this king of Detroit nailed his curations. Slim, you’ve come this far. I grew up along with your creations, from i first saw you on mtv til today when mtv isn’t significant anymore. I can see you’ve grown from a cynical brat to a wise man.

The London Sessions by Mary J. Blige (2014)
The so-called journey of self-healing Blige made to London was also meeting bunch of UK musicians in the process: Sam Smith, Emily Sandé, Disclosure, etc. And this album happened: a mix of ballad and electronic tracks. It sounds nice.
Listen by David Guetta (2014)
No one can produce beats the way David Guetta does. Still as powerful as “Nothing But The Beat”, only this time the album is lyrically stronger, since his divorce with Cathy inspires the production of this album. And the feature artists are amazing themselves.

Wonder Where We Land by SBTKRT (2014)
This is an electronic music project coming from UK. Most of the tracks have great beats and give out downtempo ambience. The feature artists are also amazing, such as Raury and Ezra Koenig of Vampire Weekend. I say it’s a cool record.

Hozier by Hozier (2014)
It is such a classy record one shouldn’t miss. His voice is undeniable. It’s such an underrated to only give this musician one nomination, Record of the Year, that is.

In A Perfect World by Kodaline (2013)
I don’t know why critics gave Kodaline’s debut album mixed reviews. I think their album is perfectly fine and sounds nice. A lot of cool tracks, my favorite is a track called “Brand New Day (Acoustic Version) (feat. Nina Nesbitt). It sounds very lovely.

The Pinkprint by Nicki Minaj (2014)
The impact upon the release of this album is almost as powerful as Beyoncé’s self title last year but still amazingly powerful! It’s probably because: 1) of the massive anticipation, 2) it’s the final installment of the “Pink” trilogy, and 3) it’s the amazing Nicki frakking Minaj obviously, duh! The trilogy generally feels like this: “Pink Friday” (2010) is a happy love story and all those butterflies, “Pink Friday: Roman Reloaded” (2012) is a party going wild, and finally “The Pinkprint” is a phase of heartbroken and maturity. This album is all fresh, original, mature, and also genius.


what does it mean to get older? what does it mean to have your life actually be depleted? twenty three years of living and i still don’t have the answers. to live, for me, is a journey without a map. no one and nothing tell us what to do. we find your own clues to keep on going at it. we can be really quick or very slow at collecting it, but that doesn’t matter. in the end is how we evolve, how we learn.

the journey i’ve been doing from my twenty-second year of life until this day is reasonably overwhelming. i have certainly done more things than i did in the previous twenty two years cumulated. and i have certainly been through downfalls a lot more than i had been and been forced to get up real quick. my twenty-second was an undeniably emotion-wrecking one. it felt so good and terrifying at the same time. i can only hope a lot of better things will happen for my twenty-third.

so, what does it mean to get older? what does it mean to have your life actually be depleted? i have no idea about any of those thing. i don’t want to rush. i want every second worths my lifespan and i want every second means the world. i’ll get the answer eventually.

it certainly feels scary, getting old.

understanding. motion. conclusion.


Today the official website of Durarara!! revealed that Durarara!!x2 will be split into 3 cours! The first cour, entitled Durarara!!x2 Shou (Understanding), will air on starting January 2015. The second cour, entitled Durarara!!x2 Ten (Motion), will be air on July 2015. And finally the final cour, Durarara!!x2 Ketsu (Conclusion), will air on January 2016. Can you believe this? 39 episodes, split into 3 cours, and scattered through out the whole 2015 and Winter of 2016. This is definitely a feast for my long Durarara!!-related starvation!

Look at those characters in the new Durarara!!x2 PV! The old characters and their voice actors that I’ve been missing, as well as the excitingly new characters, all I can’t wait to see.

First, we got THE MAN a.k.a. the sadistic Orihara Izaya. Hiroshi Kamiya, rock on kudasai!

The Orihara twins finally comes out! They seem sweet.

Ryugamine Mikado the colorless guy! Can’t wait to see how you’ve grown baby!

The freshman, Kuronuma Aoba. He’s an admirer Mikado, I reckon.

I think Celty Sturluson, the Black Rider, is finally falling for Kishitani Shinra. Look at that wide smile of him. Fukujun, nice going!

SONOHARA ANRI and her big boobs! HANAZAWA KANA-SAMA, I’ll always worship you.

Erika and Walker. Yuki Kaji looks goofy in this.

The Yagari-neechan. Namie you look sad darling.

And. Woops. That not so innocent peck. Lovely.

But… WHERE IS THE STRONGEST MAN IN IKEBUKURO, HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO, GONE TO? I could definitely hear Ono Daisuke’s roar in the PV! I bet they’re saving him for a future surprise.

Kami-sama, I can’t wait for this. Winter 0f 2015. What a perfect timing.



Summer is Over / Nagi Starts



summer anime end

Summer is over and so are these beautiful animes. In order of the finale date…

First, there is LOVE STAGE!. This is the only yaoi anime that appeared to be very sweet.

KUROSHITSUJI: BOOK OF CIRCUS. This had a very sad ending because Ciel and his underlings butchered (quite) innocent people in this season. Looking forward for Book of Murder OVA.

TOKYO GHOUL. This is literally the best anime aired in Summer. I have a strong feeling it’s gonna be picked for the 2nd season.

RAIL WARS!. Basically harem show.

HAIKYUU!!. Sport and slice-of-life blended into one epic anime. Running from Spring until Summer, for whole six months i’ve been watching this with full of emotion, only to get my heart shattered in the end. Definitely want to read the manga!

DRAMAtical MURDER. Adapted from yaoi visual novel but turned out to be just a lame shounen-ai anime. Meh.

AO HARU RIDE. Famous seiyuu Kaji Yuki voicing a cool good-looking guy from a shoujo manga. Omoshiroi ja nai ka. But it ended just before the love intrigue could even start.

RE: HAMATORA. Little got bored in the middle of the season but overall it was fine. And there’s a happy ending to it.


GLASSLIP. I’m not sure about the ending.

ZANKYOU NO TERROR. asdfghjkl sad. #crying

TOKYO ESP. Not that impressed with the ending.

Lastly, BARAKAMON. This anime coloured my Summer days and gave me warm feelings! And I adore the OP and ED. Definitely gonna read the manga. SLICE OF LIFE RULES!

It seems like just yesterday that I made post about the end of Nagi seasons (Fall and Winter). So here are the Fall anime I am planning to watch. (in order of premiere date)

  1. Terra Formars
  2. Denki-gai no Honya-san
  3. Danna ga Nani wo Itteru ka Wakaranai Ken
  4. Log Horizon 2
  5. Nanatsu no Taizan
  6. Ookami Shoujo to Kuro Ouji
  7. Orenchi no Furo Jijou
  8. Yowamushi Pedal: Grande Road
  9. Akatsuki no Yona
  10. Kiseijuu
  12. Shigatsu wa Kimi no Uso
  13. Sanzoku no Musume Ronja

I’m looking forward mostly for Sanzoku no Musume Ronja because it is the first Studio Ghibli’s TV Anime Series, and of course PYCHO-PASS 2! I was looking for something like Kyoukai no Kanata which aired on Fall last year but it seems like there’s none like it. I have anime lists and music playlists all set for the Nagi seasons. I hope the rainy days come soon. I am looking forward to have a nice warm and fuzzy feeling.

Le vent se lève, il faut tenter de vivre.

“The wind is rising! We must try to live.”

When I heard that Hayao Miyazaki was retiring, I was genuinely sad. He is one of the most amazing artists ever exists in the universe and he is making art no more. He has made Studio Ghibli a haven of dreams, happiness, and beautiful things: “Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind”, “Laputa: Castle in the Sky” (the first official Studio Ghibli film), “My Neighbor Totoro” (which Ghibli’s logo comes from), “Kiki’s Delivery Service”, “Porco Rosso”, “Princess Mononoke”, the Academy Award winner “Spirited Away”, “Howl’s Moving Castle”, and “Ponyo”. All those graceful animation features finally have to end with “The Wind Rises”/”Kaze Tachinu” as Miyazaki-sensei’s last work of art.

Just like many previous Ghibli’s animated features, this film is created in the most perfect and most beautiful way. The animation is beautifully drawn and the graphic quality is perfect. But what caught my attention the most are: 1) the motion of every single object in the film (humans, things, animals, natures). I notice that Miyazaki-sensei has a tendency at making motions in the most bizarrely gorgeous and expressive way so that they’d give deep impression to the watchers, and they indeed do. For instance how Jiro shared his dream with Caproni, how the earth eerily quaked, how the wind blew in the hard way, how the weather became a downpour all of sudden, how Naoko was spurting massive blood, how the characters cried at their sincerest ways, and countless other unique details. Everything; every detail is graceful. And 2) the dialogs were delivered beautifully. This is one of Studio Ghibli’s (especially Miyazaki-sensei’s) characteristic that the characters always speak words in simplicity; very subtle, yet if we listen carefully, they have every deep meaning. This uniqueness makes all of Ghibli’s features are simple enough for children to enjoy the films whole-heartedly and at the same time deep enough for older audiences to get the hidden morals, to understand the metaphors, and to feel the implicit meaning of the films.

“The Wind Rises” marked Miyazaki-sensei’s second animated feature to be nominated in the Academy Awards, the first being “Spirited Away” and it won the Award in 2002. I personally think that “The Wind Rises” deserved to win the Award but sadly it lost to Disney’s 2013 animated feature, “Frozen”. But to me, Hayao Miyazaki is always the winner and Studio Ghibli is the best animation studio ever exists in the whole universe. Thank you sensei for all your graceful creations. Thank you for bringing happiness and precious lessons to millions of people. Thank you for encouraging children to, 1) be thankful of being alive despite the world sometimes can be very disappointing, and 2) keep on living even though their hearts may once break. All hail Hayao Miyazaki. All hail Studio Ghibli.

Nagi ends.

Fall and Winter are the seasons that I name “Nagi” (the Calm). These two seasons that span from September 23rd to March 20th are times when chills, dark clouds, rains, and coldness can soothe me to my core. And I am very sad to say that Winter is finally over. Spring comes. Winter anime season have also come to an end. Fourteen anime from both winter shows and Fall 2013 left-overs have all ended. Let me do a recap for these beautiful animations that make me smile for these past 6 months.

Fall 2013 left-overs…

vlcsnap-2014-03-31-16h51m39s156Nagi no Asukara. This beautiful and calming anime is the best among  Fall 2013 anime (probably tied with Kyoukai no Kanata). The graphics and sceneries are so amazing. On top of it all, the OP and ED themes that are sung by Ray and yanaginagi made this anime perfect!

vlcsnap-2014-03-31-16h57m04s76Kuroko no Basuke (Season 2). Right after Shingeki no Kyojin that aired in Spring and Summer of 2013, Production I.G continued airing another amazing anime adapted from great shounen manga. Even though they didn’t announce a sequel right away like they did in Season 1, I’m quite sure they’re gonna make a third season in the future. For six whole months (twleve, if SnK is also included), my Sundays were full of adrenaline rush. Let’s see what Production I.G will bring this Spring. Bring it on. I’m ready!

vlcsnap-2014-03-31-16h57m36s149Magi: The Kingdom of Magic. The second season of Magi. This season focused mainly on Magnoshtatt, so the amazing characters from season one only appeared very little. I am hoping they are making season 3!

vlcsnap-2014-03-31-16h53m53s201Golden Time. A little bit of romance and slice -of -life is good.

vlcsnap-2014-03-31-17h08m25s232Tokyo Ravens. A CLIFF-HANGER ENDING! I have a feeling that Season 2 is coming. But, I’m not really sure since there are only several volumes (from the light nove) left unadapted. If a second season is happening, it will take a while.

vlcsnap-2014-03-31-16h58m30s164Log Horizon. An MMORPG anime in which a lot of people trapped inside a game, but unlike Sword Art Online, this anime didn’t give a damn about explaining the players’ condition in real life. I mean, come on. Anyway, they announced a second season to be airing this Fall.

from Winter 2014…

vlcsnap-2014-03-31-17h02m53s229Noragami. PLEASE MAKE SEASON 2! This anime is perfect! The best of Winter 2014.

vlcsnap-2014-03-31-17h04m25s183Hamatora. Also with a cliff-hanger ending, but they announced Season 2 at the end of finale. This anime kind of reminds me of Durarara!!

vlcsnap-2014-03-31-17h05m23s204Chuunibyou! Ren. I can’t help but think that this was too “harem”, but… for the past 2 years, it’s been a nice series. Third season is not likely.

vlcsnap-2014-03-31-17h07m37s252Gin no Saji Season 2. From the author of Fullmetal Alchemist, Gin no Saji is one of the best slice of life manga and anime adaptation I’ve ever seen. Tying with Noragami, THIS IS THE BEST ANIME OF WINTER 2014. I was head over heals when they announced a second season at the end of Season 1 finale in Summer of 2013. But they are most likely not making a third season adaptation. BUT MY FINGERS WILL ALWAYS CROSS FOR GIN NO SAJI!

and also…

Tonari no Seki-kun
Benmanshi Cecil
Toaru Hikuushi e no Koiuta
Onee-chan ga Kita!

It’s very difficult to move on to these beautiful anime. But I hope Spring of 2014 shows will make me happier.